I did little writing while in the hospital, which is not what I expected. I thought I'd be writing every day venting and blogging our experience while updating people about Evelyn's progress. I think as much as I had the fodder and desire to write it all down I just didn't have the capacity. Everything was a blurr...yes, blur with two Rs. Anything not pertaining to Evelyn, her progress and her preferences, on any given day was a blurry bystander. When you're "waiting" around in the NICU for days on end, most of your energy is spent trying to put one foot in front of the other (even literally for a while when you've just had a C-section). I even had a hard time getting back to immediate family members who'd text or call.
Here's one entry I found which I wrote on 10/4/12, day 23 of 38 days in the NICU. I think it maybe the only one.:
No one should have to be here. Time is
frozen yet time is essential to this process--this process is
difficult to process, and I know this time, it will take a
while for this time to reveal its purpose and meaning.
Being in the hospital is like being in
the airport. There’s little sense of time, date or location.
There is no work week or weekends.
I can’t stop thinking, “No one should have to be here.”
Nightmares and miracles surround me in one place. Fear, terror,
pain, joy, beauty, anticipation, first steps, the light at the end of
the tunnel. I see it all here. This one place, this one room. Is
there a future? I see a future and I keep planning on seeing a
future until the future meets the present.
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