FISTS CLENCHED

Cynical Side of the Bed 

Some days I wake up with my fists already clenched, or is it my butt? And it seems to take hours to unclench them. Screw you carpe diem!

Have you ever been mad (not really mad, but ya know) at your child because they wake up happy, smiling, playing and being all cute, when you lost a couple hours of sleep because they were screaming at you in the middle of the night? I'm pretty sure she's mocking me. I put her down for her morning nap, and she plays cheerfully in her crib for 30 min. before giving way to slumber. Also, I'm never going to the substitute chiropractor again. I still feel all jammed up. I pick up a bag of chocolate chips that had been left on the coffee table from the night before (since I had no other dessert in the house) and think, “I might need these,” and set them back down beside my coffee.

What is it that I actually want right now? More sleep? Not really. I'm already up and sipping cold coffee. First, I think what I need is to do some yoga. I was tossing a lot last night with leg cramps and I feel like I have been hammered into the earth like a whac-a-mole. I also did something to my right wrist that cannot be explained but is a constant nagging pain whenever I pick up the baby or a pitcher of water. You see I knew exactly what I was walking (or hobbling) into when I decided to start having kids well into my 30s. Maybe I'll get a sweet cane after kid #2. The kitchen is so gross I want to cry. Actually, the thought of it is making me hyperventilate for huhhh a huhhh moment huhhhh. I open the bag of chocolate chips. They aren't even a good kind. I pop them in my mouth like a handful of pills I have no intention of counting. That's what I like to call First Breakfast. Second Breakfast is much healthier. I promise.

A few hours later I sit here again while she's in her Second Nap. As much as I'm in love with her and don't want a minute without her, it's hard not to breathe that sigh of relief once she's asleep. The external chaos has subsided leaving behind casualties such as aforementioned kitchen and now dining table and high-chair. Not to mention I have neither changed yet nor washed yesterday's now smeared make up off my face leaving me to have a pair of black-eyes. The internal chaos, however, generally remains.

I think my fists have now uncurled, and my butt cheeks now unclenched. Is it abnormal that even though I'm not drinking much these days I still think about a glass of wine by 9am? I don't want to be “lit” or anything just a little more carefree. I know plenty of sober methods for achieving this, but a glass of wine, although often followed by a headache, seems a much quicker, simpler method, less likely interrupted by a poopy diaper or now, a baby waking prematurely in tears from her nap. Standby...

Fast asleep again. I'm running out of things to say at the moment so maybe I'll conquer the kitchen because if I don't I won't be able to enjoy yoga.

Another few later I got the dishes done and laundry started but didn't have time for yoga or to actually scour the kitchen (which is actually, to me, one of the more satisfying house chores). I did manage to throw my face on since we have this thing tonight.

More time has passed and now I'm off to this thing. This thing that I'm pretty sure will involve that long awaited glass of wine. Make it red please.

Next time on TRAILING OFF: I'M TRYING TO GET MY HUSBAND TO STOP NOTICING ME

Hospital Blurr

How I coped or didn't

I did little writing while in the hospital, which is not what I expected.  I thought I'd be writing every day venting and blogging our experience while updating people about Evelyn's progress.  I think as much as I had the fodder and desire to write it all down I just didn't have the capacity.  Everything was a blurr...yes, blur with two Rs.  Anything not pertaining to Evelyn, her progress and her preferences, on any given day was a blurry bystander.  When you're "waiting" around in the NICU for days on end, most of your energy is spent trying to put one foot in front of the other (even literally for a while when you've just had a C-section).  I even had a hard time getting back to immediate family members who'd text or call.

Here's one entry I found which I wrote on 10/4/12, day 23 of 38 days in the NICU.  I think it maybe the only one.:

No one should have to be here. Time is frozen yet time is essential to this process--this process is difficult to process, and I know this time, it will take a while for this time to reveal its purpose and meaning.

Being in the hospital is like being in the airport. There’s little sense of time, date or location. There is no work week or weekends.

I can’t stop thinking, “No one should have to be here.” Nightmares and miracles surround me in one place. Fear, terror, pain, joy, beauty, anticipation, first steps, the light at the end of the tunnel. I see it all here. This one place, this one room. Is there a future? I see a future and I keep planning on seeing a future until the future meets the present.  

AFTERLIFE

The true story of my postpartum body

Since having a C-section my body had been...wait a second.  I don’t want to talk about this!  Instead, I’d rather talk about other people’s bodies, for instance, those chicks whose thighs don’t touch when standing with their feet together.  I wonder what it feels like with all that air passing through.  Can they do tree pose?  What do they do when there’s a breeze?  That’s got to be awkward.    

Ok, I feel better about myself now and think I’m ready to talk about it.  Really, I only have about 10 lbs. of post-pregnancy weight left to lose, but these 10 lbs. may be the death of me.  Actually, let’s call it 8 lbs. because of the added breastfeeding boob weight.  That’s a legitimate deduction, right?  And if I were to be honest with myself what I weighed before pregnancy was a fluke anyway.  We had just moved to a higher elevation so my husband and I both lost weight just by breathing.  So let’s call it 6 lbs.  I think I’d be happy with losing 6 lbs., although, I think that pre-pregnancy number may haunt me forever. 

A goofy picture of me at 28 weeks pregnant

My yoga practice tells me I should be accepting of where I’m at.  But the mirror and this new belly flap thingy I’ve inherited tells me otherwise. Acceptance.  I accept you oh belly flap, pouchy thingy, folding over my incision scar.  I think I’ll name you Shakira.  Wait, Shakira has amazing abs.  Scribble that.  With the exception of making a bloody mess trying to remove it manually, I have to accept its floppy, doughy presence until it’s gone and just keep eating healthy and fitting exercise into the nooks and crannies of my week.  On the elliptical, I can feel Shakira flopping around like she’s not even connected to my body.  Super awesome.

  

GOAL: Belly flap gone along with the rest of baby weight in 6 weeks.  6 lbs. in 6 weeks.  Yikes!  And, I’m not even going to bring up my backside.

Also, when I was pregnant I discovered a skin tag on my belly button you can only see when it’s popped out.  I will call him Ramón.  Well, Ramón didn’t really “pop” out.  He gradually emerged from the dark cave of my naval to reveal his wrinkly head, kind of like Voldemort with a hanging freckle on his nose. (Hey!  Sounds like the thing that got me pregnant in the first place.)

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to buy all new jeans, not so much because of Shakira, my belly flap (she just folds over the jeans like a crease in a sack of flour), but because of how wide my hips got.  I try my old jeans on once in a while, wishful thinking I suppose.  Here’s an account of the most recent attempt:

I pull them on. Snug on the legs, but they usually are after being washed, right?  They are stretchy jeans, so I think I just need to wear them in for a few hours.  Still can’t quite zip them all the way.  Bummer, but some improvement from the last try-on.  So things are looking up! I, then, lift up my shirt to have a look at the fit and GAGOOSH! Shakira plops down to my horror.  I scream and urgently peel off the jeans then run to the junk drawer to get a lighter so I can burn those sons o’ bitches. 

End scene.

Idiotically, I’ve decided to hang onto the jeans for one year just to see if fate would have my hips go back enough for them to fit.  Like I said (through gritted teeth) it’s because of my hips NOT Shakira.  My mother says, “Your body will go back.  Mine didn’t, but yours will.”  Gee, thanks.  Of course, if Husband has his way I’ll be preggy with twins before then.  Eew.  I think I just got a little “morning sick” in my mouth thinking about it.

Acceptance.

137 days of Motherhood

A non-chronological exploration and debrief 

written Sunday, January 27th, 2013

I should be eating breakfast right now, according to my "schedule."  However, if I don't force myself to sit and write sometime, now that the dust has cleared (except the dust that resides on the TV cabinet), it won't happen until the kids head to college...or whatever post-high school endeavors they decide to pursue.  Hey!  I'm a free spirit.

There's so much I have wanted to share over the past 4 1/2 months, nearly 20 weeks or 137 days of motherhood.  Can you believe I've been a mom for more than 1/3 of a year?!  As I know I'm not the only new mom to a baby who spent time in the NICU let alone to one who was born with CDH, my hope is that I can bring encouragement, comfort and joy to someone as well as keep family and friends in the know. 

wonder

So many inner monologues have been swirling around in my head as I try to make sense of everything being a mother and a parent means, of all we've been through to get to this 137th day and how our lives are forever changed in more ways than I'm sure I realize even in this moment.

To begin, being a mother and a parent is freaking insane and awesome.  Evelyn or Evi, as her cousins call her (pronounced eh-vee), is such an amazing, determined kid. Besides the fact that she is a CDH survivor, she constantly smiles and rarely cries...and OK, I'll confess...she has slept through the night since about 9 weeks!!  She loves to laugh, play, watch others play, explore, move and "talk" to us.  She is growing and learning new things each day.  Last night, she was in her Butterfly Cradle 'n Swing with one of her puppy stuffed animals and kept intentionally kicking it until it would fall on the floor.  We'd put the stuffed animal back in the swing with her over and over and she kept kicking it on the floor.  It was hilarious!

I've been trying to process all we went through in those 38 days in the NICU.  Was that really us sitting in the hospital days on end?  Did Evelyn really have CDH?  Could we have lost her?  Of course, the realistic answer to all of those questions is yes.  In the first weeks of finally being home, besides being more exhausted physically and emotionally than I have ever been in my life, I think I was angry and in denial more than anything.  Don't get me wrong, I was grateful, I AM incredibly grateful.  But I was angry.  I was traumatized.  Heck, having an emergency C-section is traumatic enough, but being in the NICU for an extended amount of time is so much worse.  

Evelyn in her first 24hours

Evelyn on her 137th day

If you've ever had a child in the ICU you know that it wears on your soul in such a significant way.  Even if you know that your own child has escaped death and is on the road to recovery death looms all around you.  Within a week's time we witnessed two different families having to say goodbye to their babies (and these are just the ones we knew about).  Additionally, we witnessed what it was like when there is a code in the NICU.  Thank God it was a false alarm, but there are no words to describe how your heart jumps into your throat and you instinctually begin to pray when suddenly you hear nurses across the room, including your's, yelling and running, "Code!" "There's a code!" "Where is it?!"  "It's in bed 28!" 

Click here  to read an article from the New York Times on having post-traumatic stress after a long stay in the NICU.  If this is you, please don't walk through this alone. 

There are many support groups out there.  Get connected!  Heck, you can even email me!

It was probably a couple months before I let myself think too hard about our time in the hospital besides the fact I was learning how to care for a newborn, a newborn that was a little more fragile.  Of course, on that she keeps proving us wrong!  I'll never forget how hard it was in my delirium the first few days calculating how much formula to add into the breast milk (to help with weight gain) and how much milk to defrost.  Oh, how I stood staring blurry-eyed at the recipe posted on my fridge and furiously tried to calculate numbers on sticky note in hopes of making a quick go-to guide.  I'm pretty sure I stood there for a good 30 minutes trying to do what is about 3rd grade-level math.  Fortunately, as time went by, and as all my other mom friends out there promised me, it got easier.  If you're a new mom, it WILL get easier.

Back to the present!  There will be more on the hard stuff later.

On a spiritual note, I'm also beginning to see her in a way I think God must see us sometimes.  I'm holding Evi and she's crying, but I know as parent that everything is okay  and there's no reason for her to be upset.  I can't count how many times I've been upset at God over what ends up being alright in the end or not worth getting my undies in a bunch.  Even though I know in my head how He is right here with me and I have nothing to be worried about, I don't get it and continue to fuss and fight, argue and worry, doubt and fear.  What does worry and fear accomplish anyway?  "It's okay, babygirl, mama and daddy are right here."  I'm quite grateful God's patience level is a lot higher than mine.

I will leave you for now with this video of Evelyn in her swing kicking her puppy.  Sorry if the swing makes you a little dizzy.

Evelyn Arrives With a Splash!

Labor Log (to the best of our memory)

Tuesday, 9/11/12

12:08am

Jamie is woken in the night to a gush of water.  “Kelsey, my water just broke!”  We call our doctor and begin the mad scramble to meet her at the hospital.

1:15am      

We left for Flagstaff Medical Center (after packing). Jamie was given a large bolus of magnesium to slow down contractions.  She nearly passes out as magnesium makes you feel really awful.

3:30am

Jamie transported to Phx via ambulance along with the air evac crew. They gave her a magnesium drip to continue to pause labor for the drive & her first ever catheter so she wouldn’t have to stop to peeJ.  We couldn’t take helicopter because there was a big storm in Phx.  Kelsey follows behind the ambulance in the Corolla hoping the lights and siren wouldn’t go on.

5:30am

Arrive at Good Samaritan. Jamie is checked 3 times throughout the day before being put on Pitocin and was only at about 2cm.

2pm

Pitocin is given to Jamie to augment her labor, starting with a small dose of  0.5 and increasing by 0.5 every half hour and somewhere around when we hit 8 (10pm) they begin increasing by 2 every half hour.  Contractions increased as we reached 15 on the Pitocin.

10pm + (ish)

Contractions are really starting to get painful. Thanks to her Doula Joy & Kelsey she is working through the pain and resting between contractions.  Her contractions came in clusters of 3 every 5-6 minutes. Doctors wanted to see more regular contraction every 2-3 minutes. Every time Jamie had a contraction Evelyn’s heart beat would drop but then pop back up between. We tried many laboring positions to keep her heart beat from dropping but it still continued in this pattern.

Wednesday, 9/12/12

2:30am

Jamie is given a contraction catheter to read strength of contractions more accurately.

3:30am

Jamie is given a bolus of fluid into her uterus to give the baby more cushion since it’s now been 27 hours since her water broke.

4:30am

Jamie is given another bolus of fluid.

5:30am

Jamie is given an epidural and her pitocin level is at 15.  She has dealt with a lot of painful contracts for over 8 hours and is still at only 2-3cm. Epidural was given to relieve pain for Jamie so she would have enough energy to push would the time came. They decided to stop the pitocin for a while since Evelyn’s heart rate drops with each contraction.

7:00am

Jamie contractions are now more regular and she has jumped to 5-6 cm.

11:30am

After 35+ hours since her waters broke, Jamie is finally close to 10cm and does 3 practice pushes.  Evelyn’s heart rate still drops with every contraction.  They decide to wait a little bit before pushing to be fully dilated and to give momma and baby time to rest up.

1:00pm

Jamie officially begins pushing. Her contractions are now 4-6 min apart and not as strong. They start up pitocin again, this time a little more aggressively to give the contractions that extra boost, ncreasing the dose every 20 mins.

3:30pm

After pushing for 2.5 hours Jamie takes a break- Jamie, Joy Wilson-Lechner & Kelsey take a quick nap.

4:00pm

Doctor Huff (Dr. McDreamy, according to Kelsey) – advises Jamie that her pelvis is too small and after 2.5 hours of pushing we are not getting anywhere.  Dr. Huff thinks Evelyn’s head might fit through the pelvis but not sure if the shoulders will and how long it will take to push the head through.  Also, there are 2 NICU doctors working until 5pm then it drops to 1 NICU doctor so they’d like Evelyn to be born while there is more neonatal staff available to attend to her.

4:15pm

After a few more minutes of pushing while the doctors are on standby for surgery, we agree to proceed with the suggested C-Section.

4:35pm

Jamie’s c-section begins- Kelsey is at head of Jamie trying to encourage her.  Jamie is now very emotional as this is not how she hoped it would go but it ready to meet her girl.  The epidural makes Jamie shaky so she the anesthesiologist gives her a bit of Demerol.

4:54pm

Evelyn is born!!  An anesthesiologist takes a picture of them lifting her out of Jamie, while Kelsey stands up to see her emerge.  (Jamie is pretty sure he is traumatized from seeing Jamie’s body open on the table.)  Evelyn’s chord was wrapped around her neck 3 times (Jamie hears the doctor and residents say, “Oh, we have a triple nipple!” but they are really saying “triple nuchal.”) This means even if Evelyn’s head had made it through the birth canal we would have had to do a c-section anyway. Once Evelyn is pulled out of the womb she is rushed to incubator were she wasn’t breathing. She gave out one little cry before NICU doctor tried 2-3 times to insert ventilator tube before getting it in.  5-6 medical staff (NICU doctors, NICU nurses, respiratory nurses etc.) clean Evelyn up and asses her. She is rushed to her room in the NICU with dad. On the way out Evelyn is stopped at Jamie’s head for a moment so Jamie can see Evelyn in the incubator.  It was just under 41 hours from the moment Jamie’s water broke until we got to see Evelyn. She weighed 4 lbs 9oz, 19 inches long and had APGAR scores were 5 and 8.